After the difficulty of yesterday, realising there was something wrong, something effecting my mood and behaviour, I did a little bit of soul searching. I’m a fairly rational, logical person and I can normally work out problems. Sometimes it helps to write stuff down. Writing is therapy. Seeing my issues on the ‘page’ rather than keeping them in my head assists in the deconstruction of the problem and allows for me to reach a resolution.
Last night I sat and spoke to Fran about what was going in. She has borne the brunt of my behaviour. I’ve been angry, frustrated, snappy, irritable. What had changed to make me this way? What was the cause of the calamity in my head? On the surface, life couldn’t be sweeter. We have a lovely home, a happy and healthy baby and a good, solid relationship. So why was I hurting her with my words and conduct? She only ever means well and I was pushing her away by the way I was behaving. I didn’t want to do that. Something had to change.
The first step in solving a problem is admitting that there is one. I contacted Talking Changes to ask for help. They called me today and I have arranged an assessment for next month. Services are strapped and I understand there is a wait for help. Between then and now I hope to have dealt with a lot of my issues by myself; or rather with the help of friends and family.
As I was saying; I spoke to Fran last night. I listed what the issues might be and we talked through them.
The issue with my Dad is done. That issue is as dead as him. He died nine years ago this month. I didn’t really know him all that well. He was never there for my formative years. He passed and I was upset but I recovered. Clare is another loss which I have recovered from. That was five years ago. I’ve moved on. I never thought I would love again but I did and I do. I think about her daily but I went through the mill when she passed away and came through. Ellis, Mike, my brothers. There are issues there but when I think about them and what happened to them / between us I’m okay with it. Work? I love my job. When you can skip into work happy to be there you know you have won at life. Money? Yes it’s an issue right now but we are managing and things will recover.
The issue is Tom. My boy. My first born. It’s funny in a non-funny way that the problem was staring me in the face. The timing of events in life and the deterioration in my mental health are obvious to me now. He is the issue. My attitude towards our relationship is the issue. Knowing is good. Now I can work on fixing things. Both our relationship and how I feel about it.
In time I’ll explain…